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For those of you in an interracial relationship, do you sometimes feel that your partner can't truly empathize with the cultural differences you have had to face and still might face now? Some examples: a White female living in a mostly Black neighborhood; An Asian guy living in a Hispanic community; A Middle Eastern female who wants to date someone who her family hasn't approved of and so on. Can they really understand the little (and not so little) stresses in your life without "walking a mile in your shoes"?
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Houston
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Sun, November 20, 2005 - 9:38 AMI think that would depend on a number of factors. What have been their experiences? Where were they raised? Do they come from a mixed family? Do they have a mix of friends? All these elements make a difference in augmenting their sensitivity to the situation. But most of all, I think their ability to understand depends on whether they have really opened up their eyes to see and perceive their partner's reality. Personally, my partner does understand my plight and pit-falls sometimes associated with being Black and is sensitive and aware of things that sometimes I don't even notice. I'm lucky in this regard because, I know that not a lot of others can claim this about their partner. I truely think that if the desire is there, one can definitely learn to see. -
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Sun, November 20, 2005 - 6:07 PM"One of the greatest handicaps among the so-called Negroes is that there is no love for self, nor love for his or her own kind. This not having love for self is the root cause of hate (dislike), disunity, disagreement, quarreling, betraying, stool pigeons and fighting and killing one another. How can you be loved, if you have not love for self? And your own nations and dislike being a member of your own, then what nation will trust your love and membership." Message to the Black Man -
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Fri, April 6, 2007 - 4:39 PMi gotta say that that handicap is universal though, i think almost everyone from every culture at least in the states anyway, deal with that, at least to some degree.
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Unsu...
Re: Does your partner really understand?
Tue, November 22, 2005 - 4:15 PMno.
was dating a guy who was CONSTANTLY on my ass to make up with my biological family. kept telling me that i was just being stubborn. he refused to see the situation from any perspective other than his own.
but what he didn't realize was that unlike his family that would accept his differences, even if only begrudgingly, mine wouldn't. they expect me to conform to their ideals of what i should be. and making up in my family was an admonition of guilt.
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Wed, November 23, 2005 - 8:24 PMHey Sil,
That's intense. What can one say about something like that without sounding the fool? Still, I'm drawn to acknowledge your feeling. I respect its validity. -
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Wed, November 23, 2005 - 10:12 PMwell...from the other side of things..I think I've been able to be a sensitive partner...because I truly care, I have always had a mix of friends, and grew up in a bi-racial family (sepfather, 1/2 sister). I also think that as long as both parties are open to communication and they can trust the others' intentions it shouldn't be too much of a problem.
That said tho...I did date a chinese guy once (he was actually my accountant) and there was a big cultural clash, I was too loud in public, and he liked to have the appearance of having me under his thumb. not only did it not work..but now my taxes are a mess!
And silly, I'm sorry you had that experience.
My best friend in highschool was east indian and her family was sikh, and they were very traditional sikh - arranged, marriages, no boys could even call her, she wasn't allowed to cut her hair...a lot of stuff. It was super hard for her growing up, and I witnessed her dropping more than one person for telling her that her family was crazy and she shouldn't put up with it.
Of course, although she was struggling with her dual indenities and responsibilities herself, she also loved her family very much. She had to drop those people because they judged without understanding... I guess my point is that family and culture (as the two are so interwoven) aren't things that anyone else can tell us how to experience or relate to. I think that if we're fortunate enough to be welcomed into another's culture and perspective, we need to respect it for what it is. And of course we need to respect a person's right to not agree with aspects of their own culture...
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Unsu...
Re: Does your partner really understand?
Thu, November 24, 2005 - 2:21 PMi'm not saying he was completely wrong, my dad and i are slowly building our relationship. but he just refused to empathize with me and how i felt, which crushed me.
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Thu, December 8, 2005 - 5:29 PMmy folks thought I was insane. Yet it was them that decided to put me in all white schools and social situations. When confronted I asked them what did they expect. They got it and have let me be me ever since.
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Sat, December 10, 2005 - 2:40 PMThis is something that has NEVER crossed my mind, understanding. I think that personal issues ARE personal and unless my lover, friend whatever wants to disclose them to me I won't badger, bitch or complain. It IS tough being white and dating someone black but it's my choice, my preference, something I won't excuse or argue about. If someone isn't accepting who cares, it's not going to stop me from dating a black man cause it's what I've always done. Familiarity, comfort are a lot more important than some noisy fuckers who could give a fuck about my happiness.
I do know and try my best to understand the struggles the black man faces in our society and I do my best to not make them bigger by putting ourselves into situations that are uncomfortable. I will defend my man, date, friend in situations I think are wrong but I also know when to shut it up and just let the issues slide off our backs.
I don't really think it's about understanding but about strength and being there for your partner when they face an issue whatever it may be. BE there for them.
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Fri, December 30, 2005 - 3:08 PMi don't believe either partner can ever 100% truly understand, but relationships are made easier when you share some kind history. For example, my husband is part African and although I am white, I am Jewish. When I was in Belize, we both experienced attacks against minorities and could share in our experiences and this made us stronger. For example, a white guy at the local said some horrible things about jews to me while my husband was just outside and i was buying something--then i told him i was jewish and he did the whole "i once had a jewish friend" bullshit...
there are some things i will never understand nor pretend to understand about my husband and that's life...i always try to be sensitive to his racial issues but sometimes i know it is more damaging to say something like "I understand honey" when i truly don't. sometimes because you travel and are well-cultured you think you understand what someone else has gone through but sometimes nothing in the world can prepare you for understanding when you truly have not lived their lifestyle.
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Mon, August 28, 2006 - 4:52 AMour fears and our weaknesses, no matter what the particularities, still boil down to human emotions.
you cannot weigh them to feel which is greater than the other.
there is no common language at some point whether your a mixed couple or unmixed. this is a fact of life i suspect.
empathy is something that is best developed with communication( they can only understand you as much as you let them know who you are. they can only get in your "shoes" so far..), so that as many of these gaps in common language can be bridged.
these bridges may be many, and difficult to cross. it may take more courage than anything else to cross them too.
my little selfish perspective
or my bit of ignorance to share,
thanks
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Re: Does your partner really understand?
Thu, April 5, 2007 - 10:19 PMI would say he tries but was never really exposed to too many other races and their culture ( he is from PA border West Virginia /Irish german)..with a heart of gold) or how they work . He does ask questions ..understands and relates to me as a person . I dont think he truly understands but Hes very good about getting as close as he can.
